we all have them. we all have these “lower than the Underground Railroad” hopes that maybe just maybe someone will come through with this surprise bouquet of flowers or maybe even just a text saying I miss you or can I see you. when it’s not even “like that”…but you hope that one day it could be. stop lying to yourself. you know you want it and underneath it all they do too. but some people are just foolish and will do anything to avoid using feelings, time for another person, and the “L” word. those people aren’t particularly pussies or cowards or anything along those lines they just…aren’t on the same page. and sometime being on the same page is everything. actually it’s always everything. forget sometime. I wish these Underground Railroad expectations would go away so I could go back to not giving a fuck about anything. I don’t want to care about you and I don’t want you to care about me. but I do. and I want you to love and spend time and converse with me. and I want you to hold my hand and kiss my cheek and tell me I’m beautiful. and tell me I’m the only girl you ever really loved…..too much? yeah the last one was. but if it’s true is true. I don’t want to waste energy even thinking these things anymore. I don’t even wanna think twice about wanting you.
you could probably tell me about every episode of fresh prince that exist.
you could probably fix a laptop with your eyes closed.
you could probably be the sweetest thing to intrude in my “omg! why me!” life.
things don’t always go as we plan.
things can’t always be planned.
things happen and we react.
may not always be in the most expected way, but it’s a reaction.
I have never met anyone like you. never thought I would.
why couldn’t you be more emotional?
why couldn’t you be more of what I was used to?
that would be way too easy, I needed an obstacle.
I was used to getting what I wanted, never once waited to be more.
more than friends.
but as that we were great.
we were amazing.
we were just right.
we should have stayed there.
but I’m glad I wanted more from you.
just allowed me to see how beautiful you were.
remember that time we went to tjmaxx together? and then we went on that $20 subway date?
you got me all the cookies I wanted.
you would sit up with me all night,
just to lay with me…and listen to me.
and then one night you just grew bold to kiss me. and I will never forget that.
I found it hard to believe that we were moving too fast because we had been friends for so long, we could have had this out of the way months ago.
coulda woulda shoulda.
it was different with you.
I couldn’t figure you out if I wanted to.
you never admit things, until the final minute.
when it’s just too close to call it.
and I would think every word you said was bullshit.
and you would try to prove it pure.
sometime we just have this one thing that we miss more than anything.
and sometimes I see my thing as you being my friend. my best friend.
I miss it.
I miss us.
I miss you.
I would never tell you you are wrong for feeling what you feel. I will never tell you to stop.
You will never understand why I did what I did and I never expect for you to.
no one…no one in this whole world makes me feel the way you do.
because two people can’t offer one person the same happiness, not even if they tried.
me saying sorry, me telling you why would only make the both of us hurt more. you never wanna talk again, fine.
but I feel like you want to.
you say honesty ain’t shit in this case, but it was all you wanted.
being honest and true to you was the realist thing I had ever done and you weren’t even mine. but I wanted you. and only you. and I understand why we can’t be.
and you can’t tell right now,
but here is where you need to be
I said I would marry you.
Cuz from the looks to the sex to the music interest we were head on.
Adored you from the first time we kissed.
Knew I wanted you from the first time we talked music.
And when I started to learn you, you were becoming more beautiful.
Not just to my eyes.
How beautiful a soul,
So complex, so misunderstood.
So doubtful, so unwilling.
I could never truly have your full attention.
But it’s sad, because you caught a feeling about any other guy I mentioned.
You cared enough to get jealous, but didn’t care enough to make a presence.
Not by my offering, my asking, my invitation.
You never made time for me on your own time.
That’s why we weren’t working.
My expectations weren’t crazy.
If anything they were understandable for what I thought we were headed to.
You weren’t used to me, but I thought you were something, someone I could get used to.
You have mood swings like a girl in bed with menstrual cramps.
You are as indecisive as a girl claiming she’s on a diet but turns around and hits the buffet.
What else is there to really say?
I rushed and tried to force something that could never be.
So yes, shame on you.
But in the end, shame on me.
why is it that it is so easy to point to someone at the mall and say to your friend “i want that”…but you never wanna do what it takes to really pursue it? doesn’t make you chicken, doesn’t make you a loser…most of us are guilty of that. i used to be the one who sat back and waited to be liked. i was always approached or had things brought to my attention. i used to wonder how they were so cool with being “aggressive”. when you’re in high school it’s much different than in the “real world”. high school dating is so easy. it’s very similar to elementary school dating, it’s still okay to pass a note or get a friend to ask for you. okay maybe not “very”…maybe kinda. high school is where most of our peers start[ed] having sex. that’s basically the only difference. OH! and the fact that you throw/kick the L word around like a hacky sack. but anyway, past experiences had me in a comfort zone with this “sit back and wait” method of dating. right now i can’t do that. and it scares me. you ever heard of the “R” word? “rejection”? who doesn’t fear that from time to time? whatever relationship i encounter next will be my first legit relationship as an adult. i specify that because it’s important and kind of funny to me. but until that happens…i am single and hating it. but i am willing to take all the time in the world to be with someone worth it. worth the wait. i don’t want to break my single streak with someone who really wasn’t worth it. that would make me feel super crappy.
so amazing. she is so amazing.
kinda scares me how she got my mind racing.
thoughts of her and me keep me thinking positive.
her in my life got me ready to change the way i live.
that extra push to do better.
that force that makes me mature.
the reason these groupies text me referring to me as
i find that she’s worth what i’ve got to give.
there’s something about her, i just don’t know what it is.
about damn time
sooner than later
racing the clock
right on time
this could be something.
maybe it’s just nothing at all.
if I come off too strong, just let me know.
if I come off just right, let me know.
if you don’t understand, allow me to elaborate.
if you think this is a mistake, just let me know.
because I’m letting you know, as far as feelings go
I’m finding mine are strong for you.
just let me know if you ever start to feel the same.
what are the chances of friends becoming anything more?
slim. slight. not a chance in hell.
exactly, which is why we never think twice about viewing our friends as anything more.