we all have them. we all have these “lower than the Underground Railroad” hopes that maybe just maybe someone will come through with this surprise bouquet of flowers or maybe even just a text saying I miss you or can I see you. when it’s not even “like that”…but you hope that one day it could be. stop lying to yourself. you know you want it and underneath it all they do too. but some people are just foolish and will do anything to avoid using feelings, time for another person, and the “L” word. those people aren’t particularly pussies or cowards or anything along those lines they just…aren’t on the same page. and sometime being on the same page is everything. actually it’s always everything. forget sometime. I wish these Underground Railroad expectations would go away so I could go back to not giving a fuck about anything. I don’t want to care about you and I don’t want you to care about me. but I do. and I want you to love and spend time and converse with me. and I want you to hold my hand and kiss my cheek and tell me I’m beautiful. and tell me I’m the only girl you ever really loved…..too much? yeah the last one was. but if it’s true is true. I don’t want to waste energy even thinking these things anymore. I don’t even wanna think twice about wanting you.
you could probably tell me about every episode of fresh prince that exist.
you could probably fix a laptop with your eyes closed.
you could probably be the sweetest thing to intrude in my “omg! why me!” life.
things don’t always go as we plan.
things can’t always be planned.
things happen and we react.
may not always be in the most expected way, but it’s a reaction.
I have never met anyone like you. never thought I would.
why couldn’t you be more emotional?
why couldn’t you be more of what I was used to?
that would be way too easy, I needed an obstacle.
I was used to getting what I wanted, never once waited to be more.
more than friends.
but as that we were great.
we were amazing.
we were just right.
we should have stayed there.
but I’m glad I wanted more from you.
just allowed me to see how beautiful you were.
remember that time we went to tjmaxx together? and then we went on that $20 subway date?
you got me all the cookies I wanted.
you would sit up with me all night,
just to lay with me…and listen to me.
and then one night you just grew bold to kiss me. and I will never forget that.
I found it hard to believe that we were moving too fast because we had been friends for so long, we could have had this out of the way months ago.
coulda woulda shoulda.
it was different with you.
I couldn’t figure you out if I wanted to.
you never admit things, until the final minute.
when it’s just too close to call it.
and I would think every word you said was bullshit.
and you would try to prove it pure.
sometime we just have this one thing that we miss more than anything.
and sometimes I see my thing as you being my friend. my best friend.
I miss it.
I miss us.
I miss you.